Hands Full of Rocks

So much going on...

So. The intention to post more often is derailed by life again.

March. March was my last post. Following March, we had both Miss M and Mr G assessed for a slew of things (ASD to anxiety to ADHD). I quit my fabo but life-and-time-sucking job and went to a new job (longer commute, better culture). My sister died unexpectedly the week before she was moving home from Alaska. I was supposed to be her executor, but she didn't ever follow up with writing/filing her will, so I'm (now, finally, after three months of filing forms and waiting for various bureaucratic processes to flow through) her estate's personal representative. With the job change, insurance changed, and I'm trying (still) to find ways to get appropriate therapies/counseling/care for Miss M and Mr G.

Life? What life? But the new job allows enough room to at least make progress.

Progress means Mr G has a 504 plan that covers his executive function gap (part of his Asperger's) and the math learning disability (computational working memory - holding numbers in mind while computing values - definitely a challenge, and yeah, that one comes from me). Miss M has a 504 meeting coming up (held off until her new teacher got to know her a little).

Progress means my sister's house is nearly ready to sell, we're collecting money owed, we're putting up the notice for claimants on the estate, and I'm starting to be able to get answers to my questions (where for the last three months, the answer has been 'until you have legal standing for the estate, we can't answer' - which is good that they are sticking with the appropriate answer, but boy does it slow stuff down!).

Progress that isn't happening so much - me actually dealing with the losses and changes. I'm running too fast, doing too much, to steep in it. Though I've grieved a lot, poured it out in the first month after my sister's death (at 51, of a catastrophic heart attack), I feel this mid-level grieving, the daily pinging against the hole where she used to be, the tripping over it unexpectedly, is now being back-burnered. I've developed some skills at holding it at bay while I get through the jobs of the process. The relationship loss is still hanging out there, gnawing at me periodically. I still haven't forgiven her for her arrogance or stubborn refusal to take better care of herself, her belief that she was right, always, about herself, and which meant she never got the care she needed. Accepted that those were features of her that were not going to change easy, but not yet forgiven.

I also don't have any skills yet at handling the real challenges of Miss M's diagnoses, the ADHD, anxiety, and wildly erratic IQ levels (from the very highest that can be measured, to the bottom end of average - and average is a really huge range). Floundering on this one, until I get the support program running... and get some advice that seems to actually fit her. Mr G is easier - though I still worry for him, he is really more a known quantity.

Floundery. 

Still, only so much that can be done at once. Deadlines and kids come first. Estate business (complicated by the lack of a will - please, everyone, get one! It sucks trying to do this all without one), finding the right support and care for the kids, those come first. I am positive that the grief will hang out and wait for me while I work on the rest of it.

Meanwhile, I'll nibble bits of it when I can, break off chunks to deal with incrementally, so it doesn't sneak up on me. Even though in a lot of ways, I don't wanna.  

Follow-up and How to Spot Emotional Grooming

So, about that boy that I was iffy on, and G was defending? Expelled for bringing a weapon to school.

We were right on the gut read.

We also took the opportunity to teach G about emotional grooming. I did some research, wrote it up for him, and let him read it. We talked about it a little - that someone doesn't need to do ALL these things to be grooming you for emotional or social or physical control. Just one is iffy enough. At the same time, many of these behaviors are things boys and girls in high school do to each other constantly. Especially in relationships.

These techniques are ways to evade consent conflicts, in advance of the situation. They encourage consent even against better judgment.They're how abusive partners take control. They're how date rape happens and the person raped doesn't really understand how things got that far. They're even some of the techniques for how sales people and commercials get you to impulse buy. And also some are how politicians and political ads convince you to vote for their candidates, even. The techniques are the same. It's a good idea to know how to spot them.

Spotting Emotional Grooming

Emotional grooming is actions intended to establish control of another person’s actions, authority, power, identity, reputation, physical body (for sex or participation in violence), etc. The primary driver is to create a sense of being in control for the groomer (of their life, of their social world, etc.) by subtly controlling the actions of the target.

Tools of a groomer:

• Jealousy/Possessiveness (Acting possessive, being jealous of time spent with others or elsewhere or with family, belittling those close to the target such as parents or siblings, or suddenly removing attention to trigger jealousy and initiate a desire to regain the previous level of interaction, asking for actions – say or do - as proof of friendship)
• Insecurity (Acting uncertain, self-destructive, tearing self down, lauding the skills/abilities of the target over own abilities, being negative about self recurrently – in order to get a response from another person: hoping for a responsive ‘building up’ denials (‘no you’re not, you’re a great friend!’); change of target’s actions; change of target’s choices ‘I guess I’m not good enough to be your friend’ to get the target to spend more time with them or allow access to more information; ‘I’m not very smart’ to get the target to spend time helping them, ‘I probably deserve (bad thing), I always screw things up’ to get attention or more time with target. OR can reverse to be playing on the targets insecurities, ‘nobody really wants to be friends with weirdos like you, except me’.)
• Intimidation (Trying to control or own the actions of the target, veiled threats, suggestions of instability that might lead to violence against self or others. Conversations or actions that make the target vaguely or directly uneasy or uncomfortable, while leaving the groomer in full control. Groomers will gradually increase the level of scary in their tactics to see how much the target will tolerate, and will continue to escalate gradually, incrementally moving up until they have achieved control. They do not usually go to all out scary at once, or they lose access to the target. They also incrementally move up the topics to more and more extreme actions and thoughts to desensitize the target to their topics, so the target will not notice when a line is crossed into active life threatening danger or actions that jeopardize the target’s life choices/goals in favor of aligning them permanently with the goals of the groomer.)
• Anger (Expressing anger inappropriately, at self or at others, outbursts directed internally (aggressive negative self-talk) or externally (cursing, crowding in, bumping, pushing, etc., in order to make the target uneasy or uncomfortable, with a goal of getting the target to make accommodating actions to avoid further outbursts).  
• Accusations (Using false or exaggerated accusations to frighten, threaten, or socially or emotionally control the target. The intent is to use peer process (accusing publicly as escalation over accusing privately) to publicly control or humiliate the target into siding with the groomer, doing what the groomer wants regardless of family or internal rules and ethics, or defending the groomer publicly or to family and friends.)
• Flattery (Using positive phrasing and praise to get the target to behave in certain ways – such as seeking them out, spending time with the groomer, or helping the groomer with an activity that gives the groomer access to the target.)
• Status (Using positive or negative status as a lure or promise to the target, to get them to do or say something they otherwise would not do or say.)
• Bribery (Giving in order to get something from the target. This can be giving to get the target to stay under the groomer’s control, to participate in activities the groomer wants to pursue, or to overlook an opportunity to notify someone of the grooming,
• Control (Groomer checks in on target out of context, follows or shows up at unexpected times, calls or texts to check up on what the target is thinking, reading, or doing, or to ask where they are or who they are with. Groomer indicates how target should dress, who to spend time with, what to spend money on and when. Groomer makes demands, or gives orders. Groomer tries to get target to keep the friendship secret from people who care about the target. Groomer uses explosive or no-warning anger to get target to change choices, actions, or words. Groomer refuses to listen to or show respect for others, especially others who have relationship authority with the target. Groomer attempts to keep target away from family and/or other friends. Groomer gives gifts or provides access to things that are otherwise not available to the target or approved of by the target’s friends and family. Groomer spreads rumors about target. Groomer threatens or implies harm to self including suicide.)

Groomers do not feel they are in control of their actions or feelings, lack discipline and self-control. They either don’t understand their feelings, or blame them on outside agency, or that they ‘just happen’ or ‘come out of nowhere’. Groomers do not wish to be in control of their emotions, and set up back stories and scenarios in which others will not expect them to take responsibility for themselves, either. Groomers separate their ‘good’ self from the social story of their ‘bad’ self so that people will continue to like the ‘good’ version of them and dismiss or forgive them for the negatives they refuse to claim or own responsibility for. Groomers believe that “The Devil Made Me Do It” is a rational position. Groomers will blame divorced parents, bad teachers, spiritual interference, and bad luck.

Groomers intend to create a false sense of trust. They say what the target wants to hear, and tune closer and closer to what gives them the results they’re looking for, both refining for what gets them the response they’re seeking, and what will desensitize their target to the action they want them to take.

Groomers usually DO NOT know they are grooming, and will deny it and take evasive or controlling action (spreading rumors, threatening target, threatening target’s family or friends, threatening self) in response to accusations. If a target tells a groomer that they are spotted as grooming, manipulating, etc., they will either increase the behavior to get control back (anger or insecurity techniques), or they will apologize profusely for the misunderstanding, act contrite and appalled that they could be so badly misunderstood, and back off the grooming either permanently or for a while, then restart with a more subtle approach.

Stages of grooming:

1)      Identifying target (by look, by whether they are already hanging with a peer group, whether family is nearby; those who do not ‘fit in’ are immediate targets)

2)      Information gathering (asking about family, beliefs, using the control techniques above to test the target’s tolerance, creating sympathy for overbearing parents/family/religion/society/school in order to extract more information/detail, identifying insecurities to either bolster or exploit).

3)      Lowering inhibitions (exposing to terms, ideas, or access that they would not normally have access to, showing them weapons, drugs, or violent or sexual materials in an increasing manner, initially remote/images/ideas, increasingly setting up situations in which the target will feel uncomfortable telling parents or others what they did or talked about, either to not betray the ‘friend’ (groomer) or to not lose access to the attractive items/options, or out of shame or guilt or fear of repercussions.)

4)      Initiating abusive power (initiating ‘iffy’ or gray-zone unethical but not illegal actions, and progressing to unethical or illegal but not overtly harmful activities such as breaking/entering or graffiti, using forbidden or dangerous weapons in a ‘safe’ place and way; increasingly engaging in other actions that the target will not willingly confess to a parent or authority, and which can then be used for threat of exposure control to increase the level of power… which then feeds in a cycle to increasing levels of danger and risk, giving the groomer increasing sense of power and control as they get the target to do things that are completely outside what the target would have previously considered ethical, appropriate, safe, or sane.)

***

Months have passed now. G has settled in a little more, and has found some friends who are worth his energy and attention, kids whose parents invite me to talk to them, who welcome me into their home when I pick G up, who stand on the front walk and talk. Kids who behave well when out at a restaurant with me and G, who get excited by G's wild plans and ideas and try to help him make them real, who talk with him about dating, and siblings, and life. Smart kids with dreams and plans and geekdom galore.

It's good.

Little challenges

I sometimes pretend that my biggest challenges in parenting are the 'big' ones. Dealing with the Fructose Malabsorption constant dietary management or trying to get a child into a competitive high school, or the not-as-unusual-as-we'd-prefer emergency rooom visits. 

But that's not the hard part for me. I do those challenges well.

The biggest real challenges for me are the little crises in the everyday, staying in the moment when I would really rather be doing something else, accepting when I'd rather make them accept. Sticking with the irritating conversation that rubs me the wrong way for reasons I haven't yet figured out (and figuring it out). Noticing when something is small-to-me-but-important-to-them.

Miss R presents me with my biggest ongoing string of challenges.

I don't relate to much of what she wants in life. She's as far from my personality as I think it is possible to get. She cares about status and protocol, and brands, and being popular. She wants flash over substance, and gravitates to style over depth. She would prefer to manipulate or charm than argue or reason. I don't know how to balance that without disparaging the things she values, I don't know how to encourage discipline and finesse and thoughtfulness in the onslaught of sparkly lip gloss and Hannah Montana and Hello Kitty without belittling sparkly lip gloss and Hannah Montana and Hello Kitty.

I personally like quality, and simplicity, and form, and she's seven and a half and wants a lunch box that she buys from a 'real' store (not online from llbean) that has sparkly skulls and crossbones on it.

Okay, at least it is sparkly skulls and crossbones.

But boy, I had to hold myself centered really hard to hear her, and acknowledge that it is important for her to pick out her own lunchbox, to select something that represents her as she wants to represent herself, to get to choose the glittery-and-ephemeral over something that will last and work well and hey, is purple at least! ... and to hear that 'at least' is not good enough when it comes to her things, for the things that she has to carry to school every day.

Acceptant is easier when they're a lot like us.

Respectful is easier when they want the things we want.

Dang it.

Filling out admission forms for schools for Mr G? Nuthin.

Packing up special food for every birthday party so Miss M and Miss R and Mr B can have a treat along with the other kids? Nuthin.

Waiting in an exam room so we can get some staples put in Miss M's head where she split it open? Well, not nuthin, but not as challening some days as just stopping myself from insisting that Miss R just do it My Way, pick the dang Purple Lunchbox, and suck it up.

Sometimes 'suck it up' is the right answer. Today, I think hearing that her image is up to her, not me, is the right thing. Hearing, and accepting, that she and I are really that far apart, and bridging it from my side instead of forcing her to accept my style as her own.

A little moment in time, a non-event in the larger scales of our lives, but for me, a significant little challenge.

Oh, boy! Girls have noticed The Boyo... (again/still)

So, Mr G has a wee problem.

He's cute.

Oh, such a problem to have, but given the 12-year-old-girl-hormones-thing, and his tendency to think in terms of 'I am an island unto myself', we have something of a challenge on our hands!

Ah, but the fun, too!

Maybe not so much for him, as he finds it disturbing (though also gratifying by the smile he couldn't quite suppress) to have girls come up and just stand there watching him on the playground. Or talking to him about his hair. Or hearing from his friends that so-and-so likes him.

When he says 'likes me' the sound has italics. 

LIKES. Like, uh, 'that kind of like'. AHHHHH! he says, run away!

He's confounded.

Not sure what to do.

Flattered.

Weirded out.

A bit overwhelmed.

All of that.

And he's Mr G. So he didn't at first buy it - were girls really that hot over him?

So he tested the theory. He went and sat by himself on the playground. Looked pensive, and thoughtful, and solitary. Girls kind of wandered nearer and waved and smiled. The way he said it sounded like they giggled, too, though he didn't say so.

He was freaked a bit by it.

So I told him he had a simple solution - stop sitting by himself looking pensive.

Heh. Kind of like saying 'if it hurts, stop doing it'.

He didn't find that so funny. Darn.

Anyway, we've been talking the last few days as a result, about the Girl Thing. And the Girlfriend Thing.

He was thrilled with the idea that he could use us Parents as a stick to beat them back with. Mr G, if a girl starts getting to the 'would you go out with me/be my boyfriend' level of conversation, you have my direct permission to say, 'Sorry, my parents won't let me have a girlfriend until I'm (whatever age he chooses to say, I suggested 14 was a fair start).'

They might argue or pout or count him out as too reliant on his parents, but hey, still problem solved.

And in the meantime? We talked about how to be friends with a girl. Talked about asking her questions, being nice but not encouraging excess, and allowing her to just be friends. Giving her room and time to chill out a bit, calm down, get to know him for real instead of just watching him on the playground and admiring his hair and his fabo new teeth (braces off!).

I asked him if he thought any of the girls he knew were cute.

I got The Look.

The OhPleezeYouMustBeKidding look. The look had italics, too.

Still, I thought it a fair question. And he gave it a fair thought, but couldn't come up with how to answer.

Me being me, I gave him a multiple choice answer to select from. He picked (very paraphrased as I was rather direct with my comments): "I'm not really interested in prepubescent/near-pubescent girls, thanks."

Okay, so he already has a preference for high school-to-college-age women, with their, er, physiological maturity in evidence. So to speak.

But he's also handling that aspect well - he thinks dating a girl who is not physically demonstrating a greater maturity is kind of freaky. Ew! Girls that age are not ready to date.

He likewise has a strong preference for waiting himself - he thinks both he and his peers should be much more grown up first.

Which isn't to say he won't be looking at the older girls. He already does. He'll admire the older girls/women, but he really does not want to act on it.

Fine by me, all around.

Still, the start of some new conversations. About learning about girls from girls, and understanding that they are different from each other as well as different from him, and being okay with that. I want him to be able to hold to the statement he made when he was seven: that girls are just people, and there's nothing wrong with being friends with them.

It's kind of the Acceptant Loving Faithful thing, starting up for real. A new set of filters to bring in focus - remember that they are themselves, accept that even when you don't understand it, act kindly and with affection toward your friends, and act faithfully toward them and yourself.

Starting with Acceptant for now.

He seems okay with that perspective. Considering it. Taking it seriously. We'll talk strategies for conversations that don't go to heck immediately, and how to set a boundary (and how annoying it is to have to set it repeatedly, but also how very hard it is to fight hormones so some compassion and patience required in the process).

Is it weird that I think it is really really FUN to get to where we're talking sex, and dating, and pornography, and the implications of being too friendly, STDs, social risk, and heartbreak? I am thrilled that he went to Ep first, told him what was going on that was bothering him (Girl. Likes me. Help!!).

I'm also glad he then came to me after talking to his dad, and asked if dad had filled me in (Nope, he hadn't had time, but it was nice to not have shared it yet, on this go, as that set the tone and required he fill me in on the whole deal). And then that he went ahead and told me. Just let the conversation roll.

It's really exciting to me to watch him hit this stage, to see the teen inside the boy peek out, to watch the suppressed satisfaction of being attractive to someone leak out around the edges, but at the same time see the will to make sane choices remain.

I love that we get to have these talks. That he trusts us with it. I don't fool myself that all the kids will be that way with us - they're each so different. But I'm glad I get to have this child for my first run at it. I'm sure I'll make some mistakes, but hopefully nothing too catastrophic.

And meanwhile, I'll let him carry on working on learning how to be friends with girls. Hormonal preteen/tween girls.

Provided they don't go all weird on him, anyway.

And now for some research that rocks: drinking

Okay, so work is a little crazy, and summer is here, which means new schedules and trying to stay on top of a lot of different thing.

Summer nanny is FABO, though - so that part is fine. :)

My usual 'break' time is reading research. I have two items that are totally unrelated, but important.

First is thanks to a reader sending it my way (thanks!).

According to this study, which breaks out types of drinking by teens, parenting style definitely does affect how heavily a teen will drink. Best case is scoring high on both warmth and accountability (knowing where your kids are, with whom, that whole 'I need to know where in space my child is, and with whom, even if not exactly what is happening' reaction, applied).

Parents who don't know where their kids are or with whom (but are high on warmth) fall in the hole that happens all the time - hugely higher rates of binge drinking. (almost triple the rate) And the strict but uncaring type still double the rate.

Knowing the metaparenting-related research, that fits in with a lot of other research. High expectations plus warmth tends to create positive behavior. High demand on the content of the relationship (that 'knowing who you are with/where' part, but also expecting communication and not letting things drop just because they're challenging to get through or face resistance) tends to combine well with a positive relationship to improve overall functional maturity.

This ties in a little with the research that shows that even thinking about someone who has good self-control improves one's self-control. (and vice-versa) Being in relationship with someone who is accountable and asks for accountability means you're more likely to respond with accountable/accountability oriented behavior. The modeling comes in at the neurological level.

Granted, peers who are accountability oriented is a big help, too.

There is other research that shows that with twins, the higher their sense of mutual dependence, the lower their risky sexual and alcohol behaviors. It's not just about them when they act, it is about how it affects the people they're bonded with. Feeling accountable is a two-way street, and a sense of being permanently embedded in that web of interaction, not just 'loved' but 'cared about', has a deep impact on the behaviors that result. 

They're not all like that

So, I've been talking about the anxiety thing lately.

Also at home and around others. Miss M doesn't look like a kid with anxiety most of the time. It shows if you know what you're looking for, and certainly under some conditions it is quite clear. But mostly it looks like normal shy.

Miss R, however, has these little freakouts over new things (people, events, etc.) that made us realize that we've coached so much for Miss M, and not at all for Miss R, and now Miss R's skills are a bit behind.

Leap forward to earlier this week, when Miss R had an extraction at the dentist. She got her mommy's tooth eruption pattern, and her front adult teeth come in behind her baby teeth instead of under, so they just hang out being in the way and risking cavities in the adult teeth. Lovely?

When I was a kid, they just left the other teeth in until they fell out on their own. As a consequence, I had very deep gumline (exposing a bit of root) on my lower front teeth for several years until the gumline decided to adjust. Maybe not the best plan.

So, modern approach is to extract if the adult tooth is well erupted but the primary hasn't loosened up much.

Miss R, understandably, was Not Impressed with the plan.

Okay, so let's Coach! Talk through what is going to happen, give her strategies for handling it...

Uh, or not.

Because as soon as I started talking about what was going to happen, she started to freak out worse. Cried, threw things, insisted she wasn't going to cooperate, that she HATED the dentist, she was going to just stay home. Uh. Fail?

So I changed to strategies for coping. Worse! Even just asking her for ideas about what she could do was a fail. Her only strategy was 'refuse to play'.

I quit while I was only about a mile behind where we started.

Sigh.

And then I remembered. (D'oh!)

They're not all the same.

Some kids (and adults) really do function better if they don't think too much about it beforehand, just go in and carry on. We can talk around observing what else is happening at the time (how do others handle it, would that work for me, what are the pros/cons of that approach In The Moment, what else could I try), but talking beforehand? Lightly, seldom, and not directed at pre-planning the strategy, but at pre-planning the meta-strategy (how to figure out your strategy on the fly, rather than figuring out your strategy now).

In the end, the extraction was a success, and had quite the teachable content there, too. She said she wasn't brave, because she cried. Daddy, seeing that moment, caught it and talked about bravery being not the same as not being scared, and that she did it (knowing it was the right thing to do but not wanting to) was evidence of courage on her part.

Learning all around. I re (re re re re) learned that Miss R is Not Like The Others (just as they're all Not Like The Others, only she's Not in different ways than the others...). She learned that she is brave. Even if she doesn't always feel it.

Which, in the end, is rather a lot like the others.

Working 'step two'

Miss M used to have severe anxiety. A big part of that was the diet - a side effect of eating the wrong diet when you have Fructose Malabsorption is that tryptophan isn't absorbed well. No tryptophan, body can't effectively make serotonin. Imbalance in serotonin = mood issues (depression/anxiety/rage).

So she had a pretty bad case of it, tilted toward anxiety. Turned into a little zombie when people talked to her. It was so bad that at the early intervention assessment, she couldn't even close her hand on a toy. Just sat on my lap staring straight ahead. Kinda scary, actually. The home visit with the psychologist was no better. Sat on my lap, couldn't speak, couldn't move. Wah!

But the diet change helped tremendously. Funny that! In four days, she was a new person. But she still had a baseline anxiety issue.

The psychologist was great - not the least being great with the parental side of things.

She asked (seeing M all catatonic) if we took her out places. No, really, we'd cut back on all activities that caused her to shut down.

Good job, mom. You guys have done a fantastic job at step one of the process - protecting your child from harmful situations.

And now, step two. Step two is giving her the skills to safely and comfortably participate in life, including situations that she 'naturally' finds stressful. Time to give her the skills to participate in and enjoy the things that right now are 'too scary'.

It was nice to hear that we'd done so well at step one, even though I knew we'd pretty much skipped step two at that point. Didn't even realize there was a step two!

I think a lot of parents don't think about step two. We're so media trained to worry about safety, to fret for the dangers, to be wary, that we don't even think about coaching the skills for enjoying uncomfortable and 'scary' situations. Sure, we coach for survival (what to do if a stranger approaches you inappropriately), but what about just 'nervous'? What about just being around strangers with your parents? What about all the other skills for handling unknown or uncomfortable situations?

Once we knew there was a 'step two', we kicked into gear on coaching, prepping, practicing, giving alternatives to try, and being backstop/safety net. Told her where we were going, what we'd do there, who would be there. Reminded her of her skills for talking, playing, and asking for help when she needed it. Let her bring her big stuffed shark to church (where it could add a layer between her and 'people'). Explained the rules for parties, set expectations, talked about events before they happened, gave her a job or role for the event...

And it has worked. Still works, and we still use it. Birthday parties are now fun, and nobody knows she has that much baseline anxiety. Most people would guess it is Miss R who had the big scary fear of people and events. Miss M? She's off into the puppy pile, racing ahead, in charge of herself, certain of what she's doing, knows how to handle the emotional discomfort.

She's becoming an old hand at working step two.

New signs of being older

Mr B last night calmly opted to take a loss of TV privileges rather than take a bath. Okay, not entirely calmly, but with distinct preference for that, and no screaming or crying - just grumbling.

Hum.

I let him, because in the end the intention is to have him bathed, and he's taking the bath this morning, before school. What I wanted was for him to just comply with my schedule, because baths in the morning are a pain in the rear. He opted not to, recognized that opting out was a problem for me but decided that opting out was still that important to him. So he took the hit.

Okay, then. Now what?

It used to be that the sign that I was parenting a child who was no longer there (that is, that they'd outgrown my techniques) was that I was getting all the way to yelling and still not getting a response in the direction I wanted. Now, it is that I'm getting to negotiated consequences that don't entirely make sense.

Really, if he was a grownup and preferred a morning shower to an evening one, it would be a minor annoyance at worst. I would certainly be able to find a way to accommodate. He has done the morning bath once before, on time and properly with only a little 'please stay upstairs while I bathe' annoyance. I'm skeptical that one success means always success, but I don't have reason to think it will be terrible... so two days of no TV for an inconvenience? Bzzt. Methinks that's the wrong answer.

But it is a nice signpost. Pointing right at 'hello, he's older than your parenting.' Now I get to learn how to parent this new age for him. It won't be the same as parenting his brother at this age - so very different in needs, style, personality, direction... but there are some places I understand, number one being the need to sit down and get to the heart of a matter together and listening to what he wants first, rather than just choosing for him and trying to convince him I know better. Not that this isn't true for younger ages, too, but it becomes THE method, instead of being situational.

Granted, some days he isn't older than the 'mommy knows best' parenting (yes, you WILL get in trouble going to school looking like that). He's in that range of disregulation where he's swinging wildly back and forth between years younger than he 'is' and much older. Needy and emotionally hungry and fragile one moment, mature and self-contained another. One minute he's figuring out a solution with his brother, the next he's making faces at him and poking him with a toy.

Nine is coming up soon. NINE, how did he get to be 'going on nine'? But nine is a good year, so far as I know. I only have the one experience with nine, but I liked it rather a lot. I've never been much of one for nostalgia about my kids when they were younger, fortunately. I think I'm just surprised that they aren't always the same age, whatever age that is now.

Or rather, whatever age it is that I already know how to parent.

Teaching my girls to dance

Some of you are probably aware of my Scottish dancing activity - been doing that for a long time.

But I have been doing Middle Eastern Dance far longer - since I was about 9 years old. Yes, that's 'belly dancing' for the Americans. Technically I probably fall under American Fusion, because I have a lot of different influences, including Hula, Lebanese, Turkish, Egyptian, and probably some Tai Chi lands in there, too. I prefer Turkish and Lebanese music, overall, but anything with a beat will do. I taught for a few years (maybe around 10), too. But then kids, and kids who freaked out when I danced, and life, and not much dancing for a while.

I've been getting back into it lately. Good for keeping in shape!

I have also been teaching the girls (Misses M and R) to dance. Mainly just by dancing with them. When I'm working in the kitchen, I put on a CD, and we dance.

Lately, this has taken root. The girls are 5 1/2, and are very into the concept that 'girls do things that girls do' - dancing being one of them (boys dancing makes them wince - but that will come with time, too).

A month or so ago, I had the music on, and left the room to do something. When I came back, Miss M was in the kitchen, dancing alone, trying out her arm movements, swinging her hips. I backed out of the kitchen so as not to embarrass her (she hates being noticed when she's focused inward). Came back later. Didn't comment.

A few weeks ago, Miss R shifted from being all over-done hips and silliness and stiff arms to really getting snake arms and the fluidity of the hands.

She was showing Miss M in the car on the way to school yesterday. See, like THIS! (rolls her elbow outward, wrist following, fingers rolling after...)

Miss M was frustrated, and was certain she could NOT. Nope, not even going to try.

Miss R was puzzled by her sister's discouragement. She paused a moment, and then said something I thought was absolutely brilliant.

'You can. It is inside of you, you just have to find it. Then it comes out!'

Exactly! All these movements are inside of us. They come out from the inside. Especially if we have watched others dancing, especially at these ages. It helps to have seen it, over and over. Even when teaching adults, the key (I find) is having the movement come from the energy inside. It looks different when you do it that way, too.

Miss M hasn't found the inside snake arms yet. But she has found many of the other moves.

I will continue to dance with them as long as they'll tolerate it. It may go away at some point, but I really like the idea that they will grow up with these bouncing, swinging, long, fluid, curving movements 'inside of them'. 

Growing up

This morning, there was sunlight and warmth and seeds to plant, so the girls and I went outside to play in the springtime-ness of the day.

A large stick was found, and dragged about with the same kind of glee one expects of puppies - or really, 5-and-a-half year olds in spring.

Then ooch, the disaster. Miss M had put the stick down. Miss R had made to walk over it, one foot across... Miss M then decided to grab the stick and run with it, which meant she picked it up while Miss R was still in mid-step-over.

One ouchy scrape later, Miss M is racing down the sidewalk (not even having noticed that she injured her sister), and Miss R is standing there clutching her leg and peering at the white scraped up bits of skin and crying...

I paged Miss M to come back and handle the problem.

And she did.

She came back, apologized, looked appropriately stricken, ran inside to get an ice pack while MIss R limped to the steps to sit in the sun... When Miss R declined the ice pack in a snit (too small for the boo-boo), Miss M didn't take it personally, and just ran back inside to get another ice pack (bigger one).

She asked if she could do anything to help. When that was NO, she stepped back out of the way and let Miss R have her time tending herself. But she didn't vanish, and kept her attention around her sister, peripherally aware and waiting.

And then as Miss R came up for air from her extended stay in 'woe is me' (she takes longer with her feelings than Miss M), Miss M was right there, offering to play ball with the Wounded One, cheerfully rolling a ball to her (ball is huge), laughing and encouraging her to kick it harder.

A small break in play had them standing together for a moment, and I heard Miss M say she was really sorry, and she'll try not to scratch her sister with a stick ever again. A peripheral glance over showed Miss R giving a nod and then a big hug back to her sister, and then they were back to the ball rolling game.

And all I had to do was get Miss M's attention in the first place. No other coaching! Uh. Whoa? Growing up!

Meanwhile, this morning, Mr G asked if he could use 15 minutes of his 30 minutes of computer game time. We only just announced that we wanted to limit the game time to 30 minutes a day... like, maybe two days back? We did explain why. And he listened and frowned with considered thought as I went through the issues and concerns with extended game play time. But he just rolled into it like it was no biggie, just 'okay, new limits, no problem'...

More growing up. So so so so so so so cool.

These little people are amazing. The more they grow, the more I really GET my mom's statement that it isn't the kid rearing that is the coolest part, it is the adult they grow into being. Yeah. These are going to be some very cool adults.