Mid-April would have been the due date for one of the babies I miscarried. Mostly, I don't have any blips over that - the losses were mainly early, and I generally had a sense of peace over them, eventually.
But I still miss her, sometimes. She being the one whose laughter I could hear, whose smile I dreamed about, whose loss and my subsequent silence about the ongoing grief caused the biggest train wreck in our marriage.
Now, if I have faith in what Mr G has said, I'll meet her again - she was not mine, but was instead meant to be with him. He told me that she was born to another mother, and that he would marry her when he grew up. And that she loves earrings.
My dreams of her were all of someone of mixed race heritage - dark skin, curly hair, deep brown eyes, and that ready smile and somewhat dry sense of humor. I dreamed of her more during that very short pregnancy than I dreamed of any of my other kids, or that's the way it feels, anyway.
It's been a while - nine years. Some of the information fades. But April always gets to me. August gets to me on another loss, but April is hers.
I never notice until I'm knee deep in it, feeling unaccountably weepy, volatile, like I'm waiting for something that might never come. It's that feeling of nearly holding my breath, or of worrying about ep if I'm waiting for him to come home - trusting that he's fine, but anxious anyway until I see the headlights of the car.
For extra fun, I usually end up mentioning miscarriage to someone, without warning. This time it was a coworker. Totally tangential comment to the conversation, out of the blue. I had no idea where that came from (I opened my mouth and the words fell out). I recognized that they weren't relevant and shifted the conversation on to the next topic (he fortunately tends to shrug odd stuff from me right off - it's either a Me thing or an American thing, whatever) - it was only this morning that I realized it was a week past her due date, which is right when it usually reaches surface for me.
Bleah. And I have a busy day today, and no time to process.