Hands Full of Rocks

And now for some research that rocks: drinking

Okay, so work is a little crazy, and summer is here, which means new schedules and trying to stay on top of a lot of different thing.

Summer nanny is FABO, though - so that part is fine. :)

My usual 'break' time is reading research. I have two items that are totally unrelated, but important.

First is thanks to a reader sending it my way (thanks!).

According to this study, which breaks out types of drinking by teens, parenting style definitely does affect how heavily a teen will drink. Best case is scoring high on both warmth and accountability (knowing where your kids are, with whom, that whole 'I need to know where in space my child is, and with whom, even if not exactly what is happening' reaction, applied).

Parents who don't know where their kids are or with whom (but are high on warmth) fall in the hole that happens all the time - hugely higher rates of binge drinking. (almost triple the rate) And the strict but uncaring type still double the rate.

Knowing the metaparenting-related research, that fits in with a lot of other research. High expectations plus warmth tends to create positive behavior. High demand on the content of the relationship (that 'knowing who you are with/where' part, but also expecting communication and not letting things drop just because they're challenging to get through or face resistance) tends to combine well with a positive relationship to improve overall functional maturity.

This ties in a little with the research that shows that even thinking about someone who has good self-control improves one's self-control. (and vice-versa) Being in relationship with someone who is accountable and asks for accountability means you're more likely to respond with accountable/accountability oriented behavior. The modeling comes in at the neurological level.

Granted, peers who are accountability oriented is a big help, too.

There is other research that shows that with twins, the higher their sense of mutual dependence, the lower their risky sexual and alcohol behaviors. It's not just about them when they act, it is about how it affects the people they're bonded with. Feeling accountable is a two-way street, and a sense of being permanently embedded in that web of interaction, not just 'loved' but 'cared about', has a deep impact on the behaviors that result. 

Research that rocks: Two different kinds of parents = good

This research is biased toward 'male/female' traditional parenting, but supports other research I've read showing that having two parents who function somewhat differently is ideal for development. (Or at least 'two types of parenting' - single parents play both roles, and often have other caregivers doing both as well.)

Other research has found that the most emotional resilience comes from having parents that are:

a) both warm

b) have different degrees of 'in there' responses to stressful or challenging experiences

Having two parents who leap to help/comfort/encourage/rescue/etc. ends up creating emotionally fragile children - the 'attachment' orientation at that level should be tilted more strongly toward one parent. Kids need both to know they have someone who will back them up promptly, and someone who trusts them to figure it out and carry on. The 'oh-you-poor-thing/let-me-help!' and the 'shake-it-off/you-can-do-it' are both part of what we need.

Just like modern attachment research is showing that the strongest attachment function doesn't have to be the mom - or even female - (can be a sibling, dad, grandparent, other caregiver), I suspect that this 'dad/male=gives space to explore' thing will eventually be shown to not be dad/male dependent. Certainly ep and I trade back and forth on who is in there and who is 'buck-up' on any situation, and for the different kids.

For example, Miss R is a daddy's girl. She usually doesn't even want me to be the in-there parent, comforting and fixing boo-boos. She wants daddy to do that. Which daddy does. So, for her, I'm more the 'rah-rah/good job/try again/you can do it!' parent. But if daddy is not around, then I take both roles.

I wonder also how the Montessori process feeds into this, as it encourages warm and affectionate interactions, but leaves plenty of space for the kids to explore on their own in a way that feeds into both accepting challenges, and understanding the process of overstepping one's skills and reassessing/trying again (American Montessori allows kids to take out work out of sequence, so they discover the concept of assessing where their skill boundaries are, and pushing those appropriately rather than jumping too far ahead - the sequences are built very carefully to support that process). 

I like the balance in the theories. We don't just need one thing. We evolved with different kinds of relationships with different kinds of people caring for us.

Interestingly, in different cultures, the same concepts apply differently - both parents start out much more 'in there' in many Asian cultures, but with age they both step back a little more and then a little more - but also expect to function differently in adulthood, as well, so the pattern 'fits' with the larger relationship pattern over time as well. Where the resilience may be technically lower on the individual scale (by having had two very 'in there' parents), the long-term impact is not necessarily negative, because there is the expectation that of course you don't have to handle life's challenges on your own, that's what family is for! So while this research is valid for American culture, it is likely to not be applicable 'directly' across cultures. Extrapolation, yes, direct application, no.

If you could see what I see

You'd have a thing for my husband. Maybe. Certainly I do.

Right now, through the door of the office, I have a perfect view of him. Sitting on the living room floor, surrounded by Miss M, Miss R, and Mr B. Working through the Valentine's cards, writing names for them, problem-solving their who-gets-whats, asking patiently which one goes to Emma, and here, let me show you how that is folded, now you can do it...

Sharpie in hand, music playing in the background, everyone cross-legged on the floor, happy chirpy voices chiming in, his voice below theirs. His head tipped down to listen, his hair down his back, being patient even after a long weekend of cooped-up in the snow with everyone.

Yeah.

Starting out right

Ah, New Year's.

The chance to officially start again. Granted, I don't wait for that kind of formal opportunity much. I start over all the time.

But last night was Hogmanay, which is one of the great joys of Scottish Dancing for me. Live music (fantastic live music, the kind that makes the dancers 'woot' and clap while dancing, and demand to repeat dances rather than move on to the next one). People I've known since I was 14 gathered in their finery, reconnecting on and off the dance floor, some having come from half way around the world. A lot of young punks I've never met but who are also fired up by the music and the dancing, floundering their way through a dance with determination and that anxious passion that I remember from the same age - there and trying and willing and joyful. And a whole slew of the next generation, some of them now hitting their growth and looking like their near-adult selves, others still tearing around at knee to hip level, and a few babies making their way through dances against someone's shoulder or on a parent's hip.

Ep and I met through dancing. Our courtship was not a courtship (I kind of cornered him - okay, not really 'kind of'), but the cornering I did was possible because of the dancing. He knew me as much through the partnership of the dance as from chatting and hanging out after the dancing was over (sometimes into the morning, crashing at the house that hosted the dance). Some of my boyfriends (most of whom were dancers) were better dancers, but he's up there for skills. And damn, the eye contact ... the man has beautiful eyes.

We haven't danced much in years. Too many conflicts, and kids who would run out onto the dance floor to follow us. Plus knee pain, but I could get around that. Now, the kids are easier to let loose without fear of them causing a train wreck. I can still get through a dance, but I'm way out of shape for it.

Still, I danced with ep last night. We picked an early Strathspey in the program, in case I oped to dance more later.

I didn't end up dancing more later, but it was a good one to pick. There's a part of the dance that has 'space' in it to push the flirt. Eye contact. Showing off the dance skill. Holding 'just that distance' in a turn with no hands around each other, doubling the speed on the turn to loop around an extra time in the gracious space that was left for a slow and stately passage. Timing ourselves one against the other, 'covering' so closely that it is impossible to tell whether he adjusted his timing to mine, or I adjusted mine to his. On the few points where our hands met, getting that read through his whole body, feeling not just his grip but knowing through that the strength of his arm, how that translates through his upper body, down to knowing how stable his footwork is. I'd forgotten that I could tell if the floor was slippery where he was dancing by the information I got through my partner's hand. Pass by and watch his eyes, and pass by again, stretch and reach and matching the length of our steps, coordinating our timing of the figure of the dance to the music, letting the music tell us both what to do.

Yeah.

That's the way to start again.

Music is a huge part of our marriage, but dancing is equally core. Dancing is where I learned who ep was, when he was so quiet and private that talking would have taken three times as long. And dancing always reminds me, without any overlay of whatever challenge we're facing in the logistics of everyday life. Dancing takes us back to just us, in context of our friends and family, in context of our entire history, from the moment I first saw him sitting on the back of his parent's couch at a dance class at their house.

Even with the winces from using muscles again after too much time away, and the intersection of strangers and friends in the pattern of the dance, or maybe because of all that context... one dance with ep as my partner is all it takes to start again, and start again right.

Plus, you gotta love a man in a kilt. Mm, mm. 

Mindfulness and quiet interactions

You know, when the kids start getting loud and things start getting to the 'out of control' zone, I tend to try to 'stay calm'.

And trying to 'stay calm' usually winds me right up VERY FAST. Something about it ... maybe the direct comparison to the 'not calm' or the implication that I am already losing my cool, or that the situation is challenging, or... I don't know. But 'stay calm' as a statement or a self-reminder just causes the pressure to escalate.

Anyone else feel that way? People say 'stay calm' in situations where calm is not the natural condition, thanks! Emergencies, say.

Now, I stay calm in most emergencies, but mainly because I have an idea of what to do for most of them. And I'm rather a thinker type, so that helps.

But if I really need to stay calm, telling myself to do so is relatively pointless. Worse, I think it tends to create more internal pressure.

Today, I decided to try 'staying quiet' instead. When things got loud, or angry, or generally wild (post-Christmas toy addiction behavior, sugar overloads, etc.), I went to 'quiet'.

Quiet voice. Quiet touch. Quiet engagement. Having each child come to me individually, and talking very quietly in their ear about what they needed, what happened, what we're doing next, etc. And when someone inevitably interrupted with what they needed, quietly reminding them that I can only handle one person at a time, and asking them (quietly) to wait until I'm done... huh. Guess what, everyone listened. Nobody whined or yelled about being put off (or not in front of me).

I also discovered a new phrase, that makes intuitive sense even if it makes no logical sense: "I can't hear you when you talk loudly." Also: "Please speak more quietly so I can hear you better." And "I can't hear you, can you try again more quietly?"

I do have a hearing loss, and it is in the screeching/whining range. It is actually more difficult to understand them when they are yelling/screaming/whining (even when the screamies are happy screamy). Too loud tends to pitch them up to where I can't hear well. So, quiet tends to drop them lower, back into the range I can hear well.

So far, so good. Granted, only one day. It is part of NVC, I'm sure, but one part that had slipped away from my grasp lately.

That said, I tend to get louder when my kids outgrow my parenting, so ... no real surprise there. I get more agitated, frustrated, and angry. I get more 'yelly' - more loud, more hair-trigger, more prone to angry words and stubborn, rigid, emotionally locked up... pretty much everything my kids do, they learned from me. Sigh.

But. Eventually I do notice (again) that the child I'm parenting hasn't been around for a couple of months, and I'm trying to apply old methods to new child (developmentally). No wonder it fails! Who are you and what have you done with the younger version of you?

Start again. And start again as I did with the new version of them at any age - observing, interacting, being face to face. Making eye contact, making physical contact (gently), asking, reflecting, expressing what my own problem is (instead of expecting them to remember that), and then developing the new sense of who they are, now, and what they need, this time.

Quietly doesn't hurt. Mindfulness exercises are useful on that, too. Wherever you are, be there. Be here now. Live in this moment. All times are one time, all moments are one moment. Whatever phrase speaks, use it. Being here right now makes it easier to be quiet, too.

Carrying on. Tomorrow we start again, and it will once again be today when we get there.

Happy Monkey Day

Okay, so Monkey Day is actually December 15th.

But that was the title of one of the mixed tapes (made from free downloads off Amazon - did you know they have free sampler albums? Some decent international stuff on there). Anyway, we gave some of that to the kids in the family, titled 'Happy Monkey Day 2009'. Given how much the kids have been bouncing off the walls (furniture, stairs, each other), it suited.

We made it through Christmas, mostly (parts one, two, and three, and still part four to go). Though we did have another minor injury on Christmas, this time it was kids roughhousing and someone getting clocked in the chin - but at least it wasn't Miss R (who had the puking-plus-concussion Thanksgiving).

Things we're still working on:

Getting Miss R to wear underwear. Or clothing at all, some days. Yesterday she was wearing ep's Alaska teeshirt and nothing else. But we were at home, so that's okay. Ish. Because she and I were at home while everyone else went out and bought books with their gift cards. Because she would not wear proper clothing, she did not get to go out in public. That is not going to be fun next year, when she has to wear a uniform to school.

Work/life balance. My work, our life. At least I know that's what we're working on, now. Much grumping in between as we figured out that it wasn't X and it wasn't Y. It is really just that I have a job I love, and I've never had to develop skills for that before - never had to find a way to keep work from turning up in my home hours, or to stop thinking about it when I'm with family. Zero need to remember to leave work on time, or to watch the clock if I have to work from home so that I actually stop ON TIME instead of late. Previously, it was more the other way around. Woo, outta here!

So, some skills building there. And reassessing, and figuring out what it is I want out of this job. It probably won't be a forever job. But I like that it is a feed-my-psyche job. And while sometimes the people I work with turn into nits unexpectedly (or weenies), mainly, I really like the folks I work with.

And at the same time, trying to build skills for handling the kids at their new ages/stages, too.

• Miss R needs more direct one-on-one, and true to our experience, is making sure she gets it, by any means necessary. Which means mostly she's causing trouble that needs our intervention. Red light, green light, it's all light. Attention is attention. So, we're turning that one around a bit.

• Miss M needs more negotiating skills - Miss R spent the last six months developing those, and now she clobbers Miss M with them. So we're working on raising Miss M's skill set so she can keep up.

• Mr G is working on establishing and maintaining his boundaries, especially with Mr B. There has been a lot of poking and getting in too close or leaning on or otherwise being inside the space, pushing buttons. Roughhousing ensues, and then someone gets hurt and... ah, testosterone. But he will develop the skills, too.

• Mr B is working on developing some social finesse with his brother, instead of just escalating to screaming at him if he wants something he's not getting. Or escalating the poking/pushing-on/crowding, either.

So, add in: working on the right problems/issues/developments. I hate it when they grow out from under my parenting skills. But they do it again and again, so... I should expect it by now. I kind of do expect it by now, really. It's just depressing some days how long it sometimes takes me to realize that I'm parenting a child who hasn't existed for a couple of months. No wonder it isn't working, that solution is for a problem that isn't the problem. The symptoms of the problem (sibling squabble, power struggle, whatever) may look similar, but with new cognitive skills and new needs and new feelings all underneath the situation, the old solution is about as useful as... well, I can't think of anything absurd enough. Just not useful.

Most of what we need to work on is related to mindfulness. I need to find a way to meditate or do tai chi again. Dancing was helping while I was doing it more, but then my schedule changed again and it fell back down the list - I need to have the time in order to do it, if I get home late I can't.

Mindfulness will help with that, too, though. And with the work/life balance, and with paying attention to being quiet with the kids (more on that later). And probably with being married, and being a friend, and being a sibling, and everything else.

So, mindfulness is a big priority. New Years is often used for resolutions, but Monkey Day is just as good - especially as it is before the usual holiday craziness.

Just one more Christmas to go... and less than a year to Monkey Day, 2010.

Top 57 list

So, yesterday was T-day two, wherein Miss R got a mild concussion, chin contusion, and tongue laceration to go with the puking incident from T-day one.

Sucky T-day for her this year. Sucky for ep, too, as he got to be full circle - caught puke on the first go, and was the source of the concussion on the second go (okay, so she really shouldn't have been RIGHT behind him on the stairs, where his heel could clip her chin really hard as he went up the stairs...).

Poor ep. Poor Miss R.

But other than that, Mrs. Lincoln... Well, other than that, it was a fabulous thanksgiving. One of the best in years, from most of the opinions I gathered.

We had initially expected 25 people, but four ended up not coming. S'okay, we managed. It just gave us more room to put the food.

We'd put in all 20 leaves in the table (yes, that is 20 leaves, the table seats 26 comfortably, or more somewhat on the tight side). Set out the good silver from both sides of the family. Set out the Waterford for the adults, and the 'training crystal' for the kids (pressed glass, but good heavy stuff, and if they break it, nobody will be heartbroken). The kids decorated the table with garlands and 'scatter leaves' (silk leaves with no stems). The nice holiday china was out, and the damask gold and cream tablecloths under it all, with forest green napkins both to match and contrast.

Lovely lovely.

Lovely also getting up at 6:something AM to get over there after staying up to midnight the night before making pies. Getting to my mom's at 7:30, drinking coffee and starting the rice for rice stuffing and chatting with my sister and her wife. Having my SIL do a latte run for me, and then on to peeling garlic for garlic mashed potatoes (one head of garlic per serving!). Rice stuffing (wild rice, jasmine rice, onions, carrots, celery, mushrooms, fresh herbs) in the bird, and bird in the oven, and then a short break. Mmmm, coffee.

Then a little chatting and hanging out with my sister and SIL and mom, and some discussion about the charity decisions for the year - my mom's charitable fund covers three moderate donations (or does at this point), and so we had to pick out three things that covered the ground we wanted. Still have to talk to one sister, but otherwise, we're good to donate to our selected causes.

Kids arrived with ep, and set to work - Mr G settling in to polish the silver (including the set my aunt found somewhere, mostly plate but a couple of decent ones in there), Mr B heading off to prep table setting (anything not already done), the girls (M and R) who knows where. My brother showed up briefly to drop a few items and head back off. Ep discussed his projects for the day (not cooking), and headed back out as well, shortly after dropping the kids.

Then more cooking - finishing up the potatoes, starting to cycle the other dishes into the warming process. Whoa, suddenly it was 1 PM, and AHHH, my skirt still needs to be hemmed (I caught it with my heel the last time I wore it, pulled it right out), and I'm not dressed and have zero makeup on, and people will be arriving soon!

I got dressed, ep arrived, found my socks (ack, where are my socks!), my SIL threaded a needle for me (I ended up not even getting the hem put back up, but I don't know that anyone either noticed or cared but me), I managed to be sufficiently put-together that I got a yowza look from ep, and a whoa-nelly look from my friend N (wife of my friend A), in the 'hello, I have never seen you look like that before!' way. Good, I hope. I was showing much more skin than usual, and I was wearing the 'tall boots' (I'm 6' 2" in those boots, plus they're knee-high). So, uh, anyway, hopefully a good impression... just not my usual covered up somewhat conservative librarian-with-an-attitude look.

And more hectic dance through the kitchen while everything got assembled and put together and we waited on three arrivals (who turned out to not be coming but hadn't said, sigh, NOT like them)... but then, dinner started, and we carried on, passed the vegan and vegetarian and non-veg food, and despite the potential for grousing that shows up with food differences, there was ease and comfort and enough for every dietary restriction to have gracious plenty and good stuff.

The list, though, I bet you're wondering where that comes in...

Well, my friends A and N are Indian (I've mentioned them before). We got to talking about movies that would be good cultural reference points for new staff coming over from India to get a sense of context, and give them any chance of catching half the referential jokes that are so common to US business. What is a cowboy, and why do people in reference to boring meetings say 'Bueller... Bueller...' ?

So we started the list, aiming for a top 10. Wait, can't leave that one off, so, 12. No, 17. 25. 32. Dessert was done and coffee was dregs as we got up to nearly 40. Laughing, we teased A and N that there would be a quiz next Thanksgiving. We compared notes on this vs that movie, Breakfast Club or 16 Candles? Tried to trim out the 'just a good movie' ones, leaving 'understand our issues' ones instead. A and N finally headed out around 8:30 or 9 with a photocopy of the list, but then we had more conversation and the list extended again... I finally left with it at 57 movies. Even if they had time to do one a week, that's more than a year's worth.

I'm going to put up a page for the list, later, but for now, here's the raw tally (some titles may be inexact): (My and my sister's combined top-ten are in bold)

1. Dr. Strangelove
2. That's Entertainment
3. John Wayne movie (any, or The Man Who Shot Liberty Valence)
4. Manchurian Candidate
5. Mr Smith Goes to Washington
6. It's a Wonderful Life
7. The General (Buster Keaton)
8. Forrest Gump
9. Tootsie
10. Citizen Kane
11. The Road to ... (any) (Bob Hope and Bing Crosby)
12. Some Like it Hot
13. Apocalypse Now
14. Viva Las Vegas
15. Oceans 11 (original, with Frank Sinatra)
16. The Godfather II
17. North by Northwest
18. Dirty Harry
19. The Pink Panther (not for the Americana, but because of the vast number of references that ended up in the culture)
20. Young Frankenstein and Blazing Saddles (both)
21. Robin Hood (Errol Flynn, not Kevin Costner)
22. Tarzan (Johnny Weismuller)
23. King Kong (the original b/w)
24. The Keystone Kops (any)
25. Sleeper
26. Take the Money and Run
27. The Blues Brothers
28. Terminator (just the first one)
29. Office Space
30. 12 Angry Men
31. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
32. All the Presidents Men (original)
33. Gran Torino
34. Driving Miss Daisy
35. The Wizard of Oz
36. Network
37. Casablanca
38. Star Wars (A New Hope, the first one)
39. Airplane!
40. Ferris Bueller's Day Off
41. The Breakfast Club
42. The Treasure of the Sierra Madre
43. M.A.S.H.
44. Superman (Christopher Reeves, just the first one)
45. The Natural
46. O Brother Where Art Thou?
    
47. A League of Their Own
    
48. 1776
    
49. The Shining
    
50. Easy Rider
    
51. 7 Brides for 7 Brothers
52. The Music Man
    
53. Oh, God! (George Burns)
    
54. Groundhog Day
    
55. Guess Who's Coming for Dinner
    
56. Philadelphia
    
57. The Desperate Ones

PHEW! In return, A and N thought they might have four or five Bollywood flicks I needed to see... the rest, eh, not so much.

Feel free to dispute some of our picks, or add your own. The only rules are 'they are cultural touch-points (not just good movies)' and 'source of recognizable cultural references used in popular US culture'. No TV shows, no literature, only movies. And not the uber-challenging ones (we nixed things like The Color Purple on the grounds that that was more of an advanced course in US culture, rather than an introductory overview).

If you know some Bollywood (or 'Parallel' - the alternative indie type) movies I need to see, feel free to comment there, too.

Catching puke

Literally.

This being one of the ways the universe tests your parenting skills, we think.

Take one family gathering, add a lot of food, add a bunch of exciting cousins to play with, and shake.

Wait until one of the children comes and says their tummy hurts. At the first signs of heaving, stick out hands to keep it off the nice floor.

Because, you know, the finish on hardwood can get really messed up by puke.

Heh.

Or really, because, well, what else are you going to do? Scream? Leap back away from the child? Traumatize them for life?

Instead, ep caught. And I grabbed napkins and we grabbed towels (had been on their chairs as protection), and she yooked into those instead. Nice linen napkins... bleach is a good thing, yes?

Miss R is feeling much better after having rented and returned her entire dinner and dessert. 

So, that was T-day one. Ep's parents' house (nice old stone house, plenty of room), his brother and sister, their kids, an uncle and aunt, a foreign student whose host family were out of town, the bf of one of the cousins. Nice mix, all in all.

Today was prep for T-day two. Cleaning up, setting up the table (all 20 leaves in the table, taking up the full length of the addition my mom put on for just this purpose), various decorating and setup for the formal dining.

Tomorrow will be T-day two. 25 people (or 24, depending on whether my best friend from high school's husband shows up this year - some years he does, some he doesn't). My friends A and N (A from work, N his wife) will be getting their first go with an American Thanksgiving. Whoo, boy, poor things! KIDS! PEOPLE! FOOD! MORE KIDS! MORE FOOD! TALKING! MORE TALKING! MORE KIDS! MORE FOOD!

Woot? It is kind of hard to be dropped into that whole thing, BAM. Though maybe they'll be more used to it than we think, since it is probably closer to a 'small event' in the Indian experience. What, only 25 people? Piff. Nuthin. Heh.

Still, my family can be a bit much to take. They're all nice, but they can all, uh, talk. Even all the introverts.

But hopefully nobody will have to prove themselves by catching puke. Once a holiday is enough for that.

Fall means charity

So, around here (that is, in our family), autumn is charity time.

I don't know how much it is a reflection of culture (harvest is in!), or logistics (ack! Have to get the charitable contributions in for taxes!), or other stuff, but fall seems to be our biggest chunk of attention to the charitable work.

Sunday I was part of the UU Fellowship service, talking about practicing our principles. The principles of being present, being in community, and taking action, in combination are a big part of what it means to be a UU. They're also a big part of our family process, on both sides (after all, those values are common to many other religions, such as the Quakers, being the other side of the family).

So Baba and I got up in church and talked about how we do this. How do we get the kids involved, how do we make it light them up?

How did we get kids to choose to do extra chores to pay for their public-radio membership?

How did we get kids out in the dirt, digging up history or planting trees?

How do we get them to send money to a girl's school in Afghanistan, or donate to Doctors Without Borders?

How do we get them to get excited about donating food to the food bank?

How do we get them involved in the research project for (hopefully) inoculating amphibians against the fungus that is killing them around the world?

We only had two minutes to talk, so I tried to make it short - but that meant we didn't really get to explain HOW in detail. More 'what' than 'how'.

A little on the how, though - like staying aware and open for the possibilities. Listen for the question that you can let them answer from their values. Like for public radio, explaining what a pledge drive is, but not asking them too much, or telling them, or lecturing, or bossing - just discussing, and asking what they think. Funny how they will come up with the idea that if they're listening, maybe they should support it, too. My kids are therefore the youngest contributors to the public radio classical music station they've ever had.

In coffee hour after the service, though, we got more questions. HOW do we do this? How do we get kids to want to help?

Following the kids is the core of it, for us. We don't make them do it, even if we set them up to do it. If I'm going to donate food to the food bank, I plan it to have the kids available to come along. But that's the cheap-ass version of the process. The deeper level is watching for what upsets them, and finding a way to answer that anger or hurt or fear or sorrow.

So, when my mom's house addition meant that some beloved trees were going to be taken down, my mom didn't just assuage their sorrow or tell them to deal or otherwise just answer that part of the problem, she promptly contacted the Nature Conservancy and asked if there were any tree-planting events going on that needed volunteers. So the kids in honor of the trees lost went and planted trees in a place where those trees had been lost long ago - and would now get to grow back in a protected and safe place.

It answered the pain with action.

And there's also the chance to follow someone else's passion that isn't mom-and-dad's. Like, my sister - aunts and uncles and friends are part of this. My sister has many passions, and is an expert on charities (it's part of her job). She found the amphibian research project that needed a push - they really needed to hire a grant writer, and she talked to them about funding that. And the kids donated specifically to that. She's also into the non-profit archaeology group that we dig with - she set that up, and got us psyched, got us started, and ... well, the kids got to light up on someone else's cool.

And then we celebrate that - the events are documented with more care than we give birthdays and holidays. Certificates of thanks are framed and put on their bedroom wall (at Baba's house, where there is more wall space, but where they see what they've done often). We talk about it with others, in front of them, show the pride we have in their willingness to help. We embed it in conversation with them, as well.

The opportunities are endless. We choose differently each year, but the point is to choose. Start, find something that lights them up. Whether it is a 'do-good' thing (Doctors Without Borders) or a 'fight for change in the world' thing (a girl's school in Afghanistan) or an arts thing (volunteering at the Art Museum) - it doesn't matter.

Starting matters. Practicing being aware of the community matters. Being open to the opportunity to create change matters. Doing it as a family matters. We do it all year long, but the peak is really in the fall, when we gather as a family-extended, and think about gratitude as part of Thanksgiving, and send our gratitude back out into the communities in which we see ourselves - local, regional, global. 

Christmas is so commercialized at this point, it is hard to fight back without undercutting the fun. 'Tis the season becomes too complicated, fraught, confusing.

For us, this is the season of giving.

I suck

Okay, so I only suck on some things.

Lately, however, I've discovered I suck at some things I thought I was good at.

Nothing, NOTHING, makes me more miserable than realizing I am incompetent at something.

All sorts of things can make me more sad, more scared, etc. - kids will do that. But when it comes down to me, feeling competent is important.

Hence practically everything I do as a parent.

But I still suck at some stuff. I hate the face-plant moments, enough that I will not avoid getting up, getting back in there, and trying to muck through and figure out what I did wrong and how to do it more right.

I'm okay with progress, too - I don't have to be perfect right now. I can be a continuing process. I actually am pretty process oriented, so if I'm working on getting better at something, I can count that.

In this case, though, I thought I was good at something, but ... um, maybe not.

For much of my life, I have thought I was an extrovert. I mentioned this a couple posts back. And I also thought I was an F - people first, values first, problem second.

But as I went through the exercises with my team (especially the followup stuff), I ended up much more comfortable in the introvert and thinking side. I realized that I feel I am supposed to be people first. To manage that, I put people-as-the-problem, so I can kinda keep people first (but really, the problem is still first).

I problem-solve people issues. Which is loads of fun, really. It is what I do for work (my new mini project is perfect perfect perfect for this - I totally love it!). But it also highlights that when it comes to the actual process and expression of feelings, I may not actually be that good at it. After all, I assumed I was good at it, so I didn't bother to try to build skills.

Which means that, hmm - when I feel angry, I am prone to losing my temper. No skill. And when I'm feeling overwhelmed or agitated or even thrilled and excited, I dump it at people I care about (instead of being able to manage the flow, attend to the intersection between me and thee, and listen). Again, no skill. And I'm not as good as I think I am about hearing other people's feelings and responding to them. Um, oops?

Analyze them? Sure. No problem! I can dissect someone's emotional process from 50 ft. I can spot how people work (and be relatively close to right), even if I know that I can't tell why something was felt (no mind reading).

I think I'm okay with conflict, too - or did. But maybe, maybe not on that one.

One of the big yank-up-short moments on this was my work friend A sitting down to go over the two types that were coming up as likely - he agreed that the type I was typed before (very enthusiastic, gossipy random and social) was wrong. He thought I was the rules-based orderly thinker. Okay, so I play one at work... I've worked on those skills for 20 years. But when it came down to looking at the type I think I actually am (geek problem-solver), there was one thing that I didn't think fit, and I wanted his level-set on.

What thing? The booklet said that this type of person is uncomfortable with expressions of feeling (self or others), and with conflict. Nah, not ME! I put a big X over the box on that.

And he disagreed. Heartfelt disagreement, actually. That much I could tell (sigh).

Er.

As it turns out, he's a feeler type, so you know what? I am going to have to trust his judgment on that. I did, of course, cross check (because I have to). I read through some of my blog posts on handling feelings. And man, do I go straight to the problem-solving first! It's not sympathy and compassion I offer, it is resolution. Which isn't bad as an end-point, but um, might help if I interwove more compassion in the process. I do, really, just not as much as is called for - I cut it short, get them to try to calm down too much too soon.

This is probably why Miss M avoids me entirely when she's feeling hurt. I do not help. I run out of energy for dealing with the hurt-ness fairly fast, and want it to be done. I know she needs to take her time, but she wants to take her time on it with me, and I start to tense up as it continues. Stop stop stop stop, please stop! Uh. Sheesh.

You'd think I'd be better at this parenting thing by now!

But, see, Mr G is a thinker like me, so his pacing is very like mine. No problem, I have this parenting thing managed (at least there, right?).

And then Mr B is a feeler, but he's an extrovert and will have his fit wherever, loudly (and his joy, too), so that it kind of goes everywhere and not just at me. I can let it flow in all directions and not have to address it too closely.

Miss R I know needs a lot of time, but she just wants a witness - so she'll be all feelings flying everywhere, but as long as I acknowledge that it is there, and stay out of her way, that's okay too.

And then MIss M. Whose feelings need to be expressed close up and personal... uh.

Yeah, I suck.

Sigh.

But at least now I know what I need to work on. It is useful, that - and maybe while I'm figuring out how to actually manage those feelings (instead of either dumping or cringing), I can figure out how to work them with ep, who takes the brunt of the dumps (and he's not up for that, either). And likewise, I can figure out how to talk with my friend A, who so gently guides the conversation back to what's important (the people), because I always start with the problem - and sometimes don't go anywhere from there.

I'm somewhat glad that I have the third set of filters clarified at this point - because I could use a little Acceptant Loving and Faithful from me to me. Ep starts there, and so does my friend A, and pretty much all my friends. Just as I do with them. (Though I have to work on Acceptant on the feelings expressions, apparently!) But having it said and written helps me remember to be that way with me, too.

One more skill set to add... goodie! er. Dang. But okay. Get up and try again.