I suck

Okay, so I only suck on some things.

Lately, however, I've discovered I suck at some things I thought I was good at.

Nothing, NOTHING, makes me more miserable than realizing I am incompetent at something.

All sorts of things can make me more sad, more scared, etc. - kids will do that. But when it comes down to me, feeling competent is important.

Hence practically everything I do as a parent.

But I still suck at some stuff. I hate the face-plant moments, enough that I will not avoid getting up, getting back in there, and trying to muck through and figure out what I did wrong and how to do it more right.

I'm okay with progress, too - I don't have to be perfect right now. I can be a continuing process. I actually am pretty process oriented, so if I'm working on getting better at something, I can count that.

In this case, though, I thought I was good at something, but ... um, maybe not.

For much of my life, I have thought I was an extrovert. I mentioned this a couple posts back. And I also thought I was an F - people first, values first, problem second.

But as I went through the exercises with my team (especially the followup stuff), I ended up much more comfortable in the introvert and thinking side. I realized that I feel I am supposed to be people first. To manage that, I put people-as-the-problem, so I can kinda keep people first (but really, the problem is still first).

I problem-solve people issues. Which is loads of fun, really. It is what I do for work (my new mini project is perfect perfect perfect for this - I totally love it!). But it also highlights that when it comes to the actual process and expression of feelings, I may not actually be that good at it. After all, I assumed I was good at it, so I didn't bother to try to build skills.

Which means that, hmm - when I feel angry, I am prone to losing my temper. No skill. And when I'm feeling overwhelmed or agitated or even thrilled and excited, I dump it at people I care about (instead of being able to manage the flow, attend to the intersection between me and thee, and listen). Again, no skill. And I'm not as good as I think I am about hearing other people's feelings and responding to them. Um, oops?

Analyze them? Sure. No problem! I can dissect someone's emotional process from 50 ft. I can spot how people work (and be relatively close to right), even if I know that I can't tell why something was felt (no mind reading).

I think I'm okay with conflict, too - or did. But maybe, maybe not on that one.

One of the big yank-up-short moments on this was my work friend A sitting down to go over the two types that were coming up as likely - he agreed that the type I was typed before (very enthusiastic, gossipy random and social) was wrong. He thought I was the rules-based orderly thinker. Okay, so I play one at work... I've worked on those skills for 20 years. But when it came down to looking at the type I think I actually am (geek problem-solver), there was one thing that I didn't think fit, and I wanted his level-set on.

What thing? The booklet said that this type of person is uncomfortable with expressions of feeling (self or others), and with conflict. Nah, not ME! I put a big X over the box on that.

And he disagreed. Heartfelt disagreement, actually. That much I could tell (sigh).

Er.

As it turns out, he's a feeler type, so you know what? I am going to have to trust his judgment on that. I did, of course, cross check (because I have to). I read through some of my blog posts on handling feelings. And man, do I go straight to the problem-solving first! It's not sympathy and compassion I offer, it is resolution. Which isn't bad as an end-point, but um, might help if I interwove more compassion in the process. I do, really, just not as much as is called for - I cut it short, get them to try to calm down too much too soon.

This is probably why Miss M avoids me entirely when she's feeling hurt. I do not help. I run out of energy for dealing with the hurt-ness fairly fast, and want it to be done. I know she needs to take her time, but she wants to take her time on it with me, and I start to tense up as it continues. Stop stop stop stop, please stop! Uh. Sheesh.

You'd think I'd be better at this parenting thing by now!

But, see, Mr G is a thinker like me, so his pacing is very like mine. No problem, I have this parenting thing managed (at least there, right?).

And then Mr B is a feeler, but he's an extrovert and will have his fit wherever, loudly (and his joy, too), so that it kind of goes everywhere and not just at me. I can let it flow in all directions and not have to address it too closely.

Miss R I know needs a lot of time, but she just wants a witness - so she'll be all feelings flying everywhere, but as long as I acknowledge that it is there, and stay out of her way, that's okay too.

And then MIss M. Whose feelings need to be expressed close up and personal... uh.

Yeah, I suck.

Sigh.

But at least now I know what I need to work on. It is useful, that - and maybe while I'm figuring out how to actually manage those feelings (instead of either dumping or cringing), I can figure out how to work them with ep, who takes the brunt of the dumps (and he's not up for that, either). And likewise, I can figure out how to talk with my friend A, who so gently guides the conversation back to what's important (the people), because I always start with the problem - and sometimes don't go anywhere from there.

I'm somewhat glad that I have the third set of filters clarified at this point - because I could use a little Acceptant Loving and Faithful from me to me. Ep starts there, and so does my friend A, and pretty much all my friends. Just as I do with them. (Though I have to work on Acceptant on the feelings expressions, apparently!) But having it said and written helps me remember to be that way with me, too.

One more skill set to add... goodie! er. Dang. But okay. Get up and try again.

Comments

[J]

I'm sensing a fellow INTP/J ...

[hedra]

INTP.

[Andrea]

I always thought I was an F, too, because I can pick them out in other people and people love to come to me for me to give them my perspective on relationships and situations, but I don't actually want to deal with other people's feelings up close either. No one would ever, ever mistake me for an extrovert, though. :) I think this is an awesome journey you are on. Thanks again for sharing.

[Laurel]

Well, I wouldn't beat yourself up so much by saying "I suck." We all make mistakes and have blind spots, and life is a constant process of improvement. In the same fashion--sure, we should all work on our acknowledged weaknesses. At the same time, I think analysis can sometimes be counterproductive. That is the place for self-acceptance.

[Tranq]

*Smack*
That was me, smacking you upside the head.

You do not suck, and you know it. Wallowing is not permitted. You're human, you get to *BE* human, and humans are error-prone. You, very much less so than many. We're all quite sure you'll make maximum effective use of what you've learned.

Carry on smartly.

I am amused, however, to note that you're typed right smack in where I used to be. These days, I come in more INFP than INTP, but I'm familliar with where you are.

[Katie B.]

*hugs* Sucks to be handed a smack in the face by the universe like that, but we all need it from time to time.

Oh yes, and for the nth time, you do not suck!

On a completely different subject, I have a good friend who's trying to figure out what to do with her high spirited toddler who NEEDS gross motor movement. I referred her to you, since I seem to recall you've dealt with this? but I may be mistaken. Anyway, she's written to Moxie about it, but Moxie has been focused on other subjects lately... any ideas? Perhaps a post? (Please!) Thanks!

[Charisse]

Well, sure you suck! You're what, 40ish and you still have things to learn about your ever-changing self? You're supposed to be done by now, jeez.

KIDDING in case it wasn't obvious. Reality is, you are awesome whatever your MB type, and however well you recognized it without detailed testing (that's why they do the testing, hello) :)

And, ahem, I'm an ENTP (the E and P are slight) in love with an INTJ (the I and J are not slight--he's a high tech product manager and he loves it and he's damn good). NTs are a very interesting core type with a lot to offer the world. One. Of. Us!!! :)

You know, just in case the opinion of some lady on the internet helps.

[hedra]

Thanks. I was only a little wallowing. Really.

Mostly it is my usual 'I suck' (which Tranq probably recognizes), which is more like a sigh and an eye-roll in my own direction, but with a bit of a core wince. (that I'll get over)

I'm mostly over it, really. Moving on!

Er, maybe it is mostly a comeback at my own overconfidence that I know who I am... yeah, comeuppance sucks! But off we go into another day, no?

[Niki]

Hedra, I am an INTJ, and I don't know you at all, but I have long assumed you were an NT of some stripe. I would have said NTJ, really. Why did I think this? Because your approach to parenting has resonated so strongly with me. Your logical problem-solving approach is what led me to seek out your blog after enjoying every one of your comments at Ask Moxie.

I really love your concept of people-as-problem. That really captures my approach as well. When I was a young adult I really took to heart the feedback I received regarding my "skip the emotional stuff, what are we going to do about the situation" approach. Over time I have become so much better at thinking (heh) about people's feelings and incorporating them into the problem-solving, but just as you say, it is people-as-problem, not people-first.

[Rosemary]

You know, Ts have so much to offer. I always read your Moxie comments for your particularly insightful and intense "Tness"!!!

It doesn't mean you are non feeling or not sensitive - it's just that you see the world first through the lens of thoughts rather than feelings. Right? We need Ts!!! Especially in this highly emotional world of parenting!

[hedra]

Yeah, well, I've been practicing the J skills for years - since I gave birth to a MAJOR J (Mr G), who would stand at the door and cry in despair because we had said we were going, and then it took us 45 minutes to finish getting things together that we'd fogotten... yeah, that'll teach ya to be J! The kid literally peed on schedule.

@Katie B, I'll try to post on it, but she can also email me.