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April 23, 2009

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sueinithaca

I hear you. October is like that for me - Usually about the third week in October, I realize why I'm feeling the way I am but can't quite get on top of it until the month is over. My first pregnancy would have been due on October 16, my wedding was pushed up to October 13 because of my mother's terminal illness (which caused all sorts of silent angst about lost fantasies at the time. I was 22 - I think the only thing I'm proud of about that is that I did not, actually, voice my angsty bitterness to my dying mother, and saved it for my friends instead), and my mother died on Halloween. Too many anniversaries, and it always catches me off-guard, even years later (the wedding and death will be 9 years ago; the first miscarriage will be 6). So I hear you. Blah.

Incidentally, and you may relate to this kind of ridiculousness. My mother's birthday was a couple of weeks ago. I was sitting in the school district office filling out open enrollment paperwork for my 4 year old daughter. After writing the date several times, I decided to bring up Grandma Diane's birthday. L. was most interested in whether she was a mummy or not, and then what the difference between mummification and embalming is. And then if she was lowered gently into her grave or just dropped in, and why not just drop her in? Really? That would upset people? huh.

I'm not sure it was quite what my mom was talking about when she asked me to talk to her grandchildren about her, but I tried.

And so I guess I've also demonstrated that I know what you mean when you say those words just fall out.

Irene

I lost a pregnancy and my grandmother within a few weeks of each other in April a few years ago, but then last year my daughter was born in early April (and my wedding anniversary is today, the 23rd). So it's a month full of mixed emotions for me.

I am really intrigued by Mr. G's thoughts about the girl he will marry - that is so interesting! I hope it comes true.

hydrogeek

My month is August. That's the only baby I was absolutely sure of the sex from the first moment I knew about him.

I hope Mr. G is right.

caramama

I'm sorry for your loss(es), as I'm sure I've said before. I hope things get easier.

It's amazing to me how my subconscious remembers it's September 3 and how affected I am around that date when I don't alwasy consciously remember what the date is. This year, my sister's baby is due Sept 1. I haven't mentioned how close that date is to my angel's due date, and I won't tell her. Who knows what my emotional state will be around that time. Maybe the blessing of the new baby (plus my second will be 2.5 months) will balance out the sadness. Or I'll just have to learn to deal with both feelings at the same time.

Katie B.

Timely; I am in the process now of a very early miscarriage (I would have been 4 weeks today). I had one 2 1/2 years ago, which I only recognized in retrospect; then I just thought it was a sucky period. This time I know what's going on, and what I'm not going to have (I wanted this very much), and it's inspiring some... sadness.

I want to think that Mr. G imagining things, but I've heard too much about him to do anything other than believe he's right.

MrsHaley

I think people forget, even those who have miscarriages, to be gentle around the anticipated due date. I try to remember with friends who miscarry, at least for that first year, since most others forget and I know (I KNOW) the mother never does.

Won't it be wonderful to meet Mr G's wife?!? The thing is, maybe you (and he?) will know she's "The One" before SHE does! But then how comforting and welcoming it will be for her to hear that you have all been just waiting for her to come back around.

parisienne mais presque

Hedra, I will be thinking about you during this painful anniversary. Thank you for sharing with us.

hedra

Thanks all. The kind words help. I'm sorry so many of them are from BTDT, and I wish the same in return - take care of yourselves, too, be gentle with yourselves.

@Katie B., I'm sorry especially for you, today - I remember how raw I felt on one of the early losses (the lateness of the loss can impact how it feels, but it's not at all uniform... even for one person's experience, they are each unique). Know that I'm thinking of you.

I'll have to do a post on the courage of the chickadees, which is not my own image, but a useful one - it's the courage to sing in the middle of winter. We tend to discount how much emotional fortitude it takes to be a mother (or father, but some of it is very much oriented to the female experience). Just getting up in the face of a loss can take immense courage.

Katie B.

Checking in here on the early miss - it's looking like it wasn't, after all! Which means I still have a chance to lose it, which would be horrid, since I've already mourned it. *sigh* We're speculating that what looked like a miss might have been a shadow twin. I'll be talking about it in more detail (I hope) sometime in the next few days, after I've heard about my HCG counts and stuff.

hedra

@Katie, good luck! My SIL 'slipped a twin' fairly late (I think 12 weeks?). She had a full-blown miscarriage with extensive bleeding, and then they did the ultrasound to check status, and there my nephew was, heart ticking along just fine. I lost a set of twins, three days apart - I knew something was odd because I was still contracting pretty hard for the intervening days.

Have you read my pregnancy journal (linked upper left)? I talk a lot in that about the pregnancy after loss issue - which essentially you're facing even if the pregnancy continues. The awareness of the reality of loss and the emotional impact changes things.

Good luck on the HCG counts. My fingers are crossed for you.

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