So, there are days to remember, and days to kind of skip over entirely on recall.
Like, oh, day before yesterday.
Up early and grumpy, heat out downstairs, forgot my supplements, traffic bad on the way in (not worst case, but bad), too much pressure at work, 1 hour prepping slides, 2 hours on the phone making edits by web meeting followed by what was supposed to be lunch but turned into more revisions from someone else, followed by another phone revision set followed by the project manager joining me and the business analyst doing more revisions followed by desperately sending the copy off to the PM to circulate followed by him calling me to make more revisions and me sending him two more copies mid-revision followed by printing and copying the presentation for the review meeting meanwhile getting MORE revisions by PDF and printing those and grabbing printouts and driving to the other building and picking up junk lunch en-route (getting anxious because the line was slow) running up to the building in time to be ON TIME (phew) and then running the slides through with a lot of discussion and more revisions and notes and commentary and discussion and side-discussion with followup discussion and more notes and then driving back to the office and making revisions using the notes (mine) the other notes (the ba's), the other notes (pdf)... and we just put aside the other notes someone gave us during the meeting. Then grumpy call from ep who wasn't expecting 'no lunchtime call' and 'no evening call' and when am I coming home because he's sick and the kids are being pains and ...
Got home, mad and resentful and grumpier than I started. Pretty much snipped at everyone, when I wasn't outright yelling at them. Mood not helped by having forgotten to take my supplements, AND having eaten fast food (even though I was careful to keep the wheat content low)... Mr B responds to yelling by refusing to move a single muscle until he feels completely better, and you'd better not walk away when he's in mid-adjust (which takes 20 minutes or so) or he'll freak out utterly and ... he's in a growth spurt, I know this. His hormones are all cattywompus, he's not sleeping well, and he's coming down with a cold. I know he can't bear yelling, and yes, I was definitely yelling. Even when I didn't think I was yelling, I was probably yelling. I think even my calm whisper was coming across yelly.
Dinner was cold fries left over from what should have been lunch, plus a brownie, plus chocolate rice milk. Followed by dumping the kids on ep (okay, he relented and volunteered for that, but I still felt guilty), working until very late, getting up early again... and still grumpy.
Not one of the good days. Not one of the days to remember.
I wish I could choose for the kids which days to erase, and which to keep - or at least flag the ones I think would be good to keep. I know their experience of their lives is different than my experience of it, and what they keep and drop will create the framework of their expectations. I hope they keep more good stuff than bad stuff - I think there IS more good stuff than bad stuff (at least from this angle), but you just don't know what will stick. I complained once to my mom when I was a teen that we had lived a half-hour from Rocky Mountain National Park, and yet we'd gone there, what, twice in 10 years? Her jaw dropped. We went into the mountains quite often, and I'd merged all the memories into 'younger' and 'older' instances. We did quick trips up to fish or jump around on rocks, it was a regular (if not year-round) experience. They did it so much because it was cheap, easy, and fun. And I remembered only bits, jammed into two instances. Uh. Bad brain?
I periodically set up the video camera to record daily life as it is. Not just special events, but the daily rounds - weekend breakfasts (because not only do we not have time to set up a camera to capture getting everyone ready for school, even I don't want to remember too much of that mad scramble), dinner time, hanging out in the yard, the kids playing together. It's not frequent, but it is intentional. I want them to be able to look back and see things they didn't remember because they just were everyday life. Unspectacular, neither failures nor grand successes.
Some of the things I remember are just those things - everyday moments, not great ah-ha things. And yet I cannot go back to any day by choice. I don't have a photographic memory, just a long one in the normal mode. Since I can't just wave a magic wand and give them the memory capacity I have, I have to do something else.
Hopefully everyone else will eventually forget the days like that one, though, or blur them enough that they lump together into a singular instance instead of being a constant theme. Yeah, it would be nice for them to skip over that one entirely.
Only, I wrote it down, so I won't be able to entirely lose track of the reality that there are bad days to go with good, and that when I do too much and don't take care of myself or anyone else (except work), stuff goes wrong in bigger ways. It's a good message to keep.
I just don't want to remember the details.
p.s. The workshop went incredibly well, we got everything we needed to get from the participants plus extra that we didn't really think we'd get, and a project that looked bad is now looking pretty shiny. NOT all due to me, as was duly noted - I did get the surface communication straightened out, but if they hadn't been doing really quality work to start with, no amount of surface cleanup would have mattered.